I'm feeling good

It feels so good in the house right now. Our a/c broke on Saturday afternoon and omg it was sheer torture the past 2 nights! I mean hella hot! I ended up making me and the girl pallets on the floor so that we could be as cool as possible with the ceiling fan on and a floor fan blowing what seemed like hot air. Luckily the repairman came today and within 45 min we were back in business. Today my sister turned 16 and boy do I feel old. I remember when she was born. Man time flies, that means I'll be 26 this year...old lady status! After that, my day was pretty uneventful I put the girl in the truck and we went for a ride out to the country just enjoying some music and the view. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. I haven't talked to the boo today except via IM which is cool we've been doing that the past few days, I don't even remember the last time we talked on the phone, i think Saturday or was it Friday. I'm just proud of the fact that I haven't spazzed out. I'm doing better, I'm trying to prepare myself for life as a Marine wife. Alot of women I've spoken to about it make it seem like it's something totally different from civilian life. I guess I'll find out for myself.I'm just ready to move and be with him and have the girl there in the mix and being a nice happy blended family. I need to start checking out att's phones once my sprint contract ends next month we're going to do a family plan with them. I'm torn between the iphone and a blackberry so we shall see who wins out all before it was the iphone now today its the blackberry. I don't know which will win..we'll see.

caught up

Well it's been 2 weeks since the last time I've posted and it's been a rollercoaster to say the least. So much has happened. The last time I posted was the morning of june 10th, that day seemed like a normal day except we were hoping that my papa would have his surgery to get his pacemaker replaced. Well that afternoon, we got a call that he went into cardiac arrest during his dialysis and they had to put him in ICU so that put a fire under our feet and we rushed over to Florence to be with him and check up on him. I spent that afternoon in the waiting room harassing my SFF via text and laughing and joking with my family while we all took turns to visit with him. 20 min per pair and we had to go 2 at a time so that two of us were constantly holding his hand-one on each side. I was so worried for him but then we got the news that they were going to take him off the ventilator which made me feel better, so good that I shot over to the mall with my sister and Monica. We returned from the mall and his condition had not changed. So when it was my turn to go sit with him , me and my mom went into his room where my aunt donna was already there with him and the nurse and the nurse was so nice she came in and asked me if he was my dad I told her no my grandpa and she said he must be really special for all of his family to be here. i tod her yea he was and she called my aunt out into the hall while we were in there with him. My aunt came back with this weird look on her face and told us that the nurse said that there wasn't anything else they could do for him, so she was going to go out into the waiting room and get everyone else. So while she was gone my mom started talking to papa and was telling him it was ok how she knew he was tired and it was alright he fought a good fight and he could rest now. at this point he has one eye barely open but he has this huge smile on his face like the one he used to have when we were smaller and he would spend time with us on sundays after church. so i just kept holding his hand and my mom was asking him did he see me and he looked right up at me and smiled and i gave him a kiss on his forehead and everyone-my stepgrandma, my mom and 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 grandaunts,2 granduncles, and I were with him in his room all touching him and just waiting in silence for him to transition. There was a feeling of calmness in the room even though we all had tears in our eyes and others had tears streaming down their faces,he just continued to look at me and smile and between keeping eye contact with him and eyeballing his heart monitor i noticed his heart rate had dropped down to 20. So we all just silently stood around him and before we knew it , he was gone. That was one of the roughest moments in my life I'd never seen anyone die before and not only that but in such an honorable way, being surrounded by your family your wife, some of your children,grandchildren, sisters and brother. He was not only a great grandad he was a great man, a soldier. My family decided to give him a mlitary funeral since he was a retired Army soldier and that's what he wanted. He was buried in full dress uniform with an Honor Guard and everything. It was a very nice service, not sad at all, my papa lived a full life leaving behind 3 generations that came directly from him. Not very many people can say that. It was really hard for me to grieve because every one around me was hurting so much, I really wished the boo could have been there with me, but he did stay on the phone with me all night and let me have a good cry in his ear and he knew just what to say to make me feel better. Even though he's been working mids, and after I asked he came down for the funeral right after he'd gotten off at 7 that morning , he drove straight down for the funeral and got to meet most of my family from that side and it was nice even though I know he was exhausted. He was able to stay at the house and take over my bed and sleep for a few hours before he got right back on the road to New River where he had barracks duty. Which kinda sucked for him but once he was able to sleep he was good to go. So he's been really great through all of this, he's always doing something to make me fall in love over and over everyday. I haven't even threatened to tase him in a long time either. lol Things with the boo have made a drastic chage for the best. We've decided to get married! Which makes me feel so much better about packing myself and the girl up to move out of state, of course. We've decided to get eloped and we will tell our families that we're engaged and plan a wedding with all the bells and whistles and then let them know that we've been married for a year to the day of the wedding. We're going to elope July 24 and then have our wedding on July 24,2010. So that has been occupying my thoughts alot, I'm sooooo excited about it. A part of me wishes that we didn't have to do it secretly but I understand the reasoning behind it, although I'm still itching to tell my mom, maybe I'll mention it to him today or something and see what he says. The girl is doing well, we've officially entered the realm of potty training and boy is that an ordeal. It's crazy but she's starting to get the hang of it. So I'm hoping by the Fall she will be ready for school and be fully trained. We will see though...so that's a brief synapsis of the past few weeks and the big big stuff of course there were bumps and bruises along the way but it's all good.

wow...

So much stuff has gone down in the past week it's not even funny. When I get a free moment I'm going to sit down and get caught up.

So Far, So Good

Well I was up early again this morning and luckily not to the girl peeing in a tent! Lucky me, this time she was drinking my Miralax laced Coke Zero. We will see how that effects her little tummy. She didn't drink too much so it shouldn't be too bad. Today is the day of Papa's surgery and I'm a little anxious for him. I know how miserable he's been this past month and a half,he has been in the hospital the entire time just waiting and as much as it's taken its toll on him. It's taken it's toll on us. We're all trying to make the best of it though and I think that might be another reason for my insomniac phase too. Speaking of insomniac, the boo starting working Mids and that has been interesting so far we're only on day 3 as of today. I guess I'm slow because I thought mids meant that he worked in the middle of the day , you know 11am-7pm something like that. Um boy was I wrong! Mids means the midnight shift, um that's for that Marine Corp! Never heard the term mids used for midnight shift, leave it to the military. His first night was the night before last and it was cool because with me not being able to sleep at night and it just being him and another guy at the workcenter, once they get everything situated he called and we talked until I fell asleep. I loved that because it was pretty much uninterrupted. The girl was in bed, the house was quiet and I didn't have to deal with anyone harassing me while we were on the phone and it was great. We did the same thing last night until his boss had to bring him lunch thanks to him wearing his PT gear instead of his uniform so he couldn't go to the chow or whatever you call it. When he called me back, I was already asleep but nevertheless I almost like this shift better than the night shift that he worked before. I dunno, we'll see what happens. I need to sit down and figure out what exactly I'm going to do today as far as my job hunt. The goal is to find at least 5 jobs to apply for a week. I got 2 of the local newspapers to check in them for jobs and neither one turned up anything! It's making me kinda nervous now. We shall see though I still haven't been out of college a month but if it doesn't seem like anything is going to come through, I will definitely be enrolling back in school in August or going to a trade school and getting my cosmetology or massage therapy license. I know people will always want their hair done and get massages. We shall see though.

Waiting

Well this past weekend has been super crazy! The plans I had of doing nothing went up in smoke and I spent the weekend either visiting my Papa who is in a hospital out of town or at different parties. It was fun but I've spent the past two days catching up on sleep. I came to the conclusion yesterday that I'm going to go on a diet. I want to lose from 30-60 lbs by the time I get ready to move. I'm trying to convince my friendgirl to start a dieting blog with me so that we can keep tabs on one another and we just might because we both keep complaining about being fatties so we shall see. They were supposed to do the surgery on Papa today and they pushed it back until tomorrow so we will be getting up early tomorrow and spending the day up there. I plan on doing alot of diet research either tonight or tomorrow . Actually I'm thinking I just might go on and find my dress for the Marine Ball and that will be my motivation to drop some pounds.Gosh I don't know....

You know...

I'm speechless at the moment...that's interesting. I had so much to say and now all of a sudden nothing.

Clearing My Head

* Kinda forgot to hit publish after doing this one..hey! it was 3am, I was sleepy. *

What better place to empty my thoughts than a blank page? I hope this works.

I just got off the phone with the boo and I'm not feeling so good at all. I've got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. It's a wrenching pain and I know earlier my Chinese had me feeling a little woosie but that's not it right now. It's that I just made an ass of myself feeling. I got an immediate attitude with the boo because I miss him and he probably doesn't even know that. I was trying to open up to him and it seemed like he was caught up in the movie he was watching! Of course this is coming from a woman who has a bitch fit earlier in the week because he "wasn't there for me" but I didn't call ...so much for thinking he's a mind reader. LOL It's funny now that it's over but I was really trippin' ...BAD.

I'm just so scared and feeling insecure when I really have no reason whatsoever to be or maybe it's my intuition trying to tell me something, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me because I'm not used to a man being a man , a good man at that and having him in my life. It seems like we don't text and talk as much as we used to. Like tonight I wanted to smother myself with my pillows because we weren't talking on the phone just breathing...when there are really a million things we could be discussing especially with the move coming up. After talking to a wonderful sounding board (<3 Sacred) it was brought to my attention that I'm not being insecure I'm just missing him and that sometimes in long distance relationships you can get burnt out on being apart. That is when it hit me, she's right. I truly just miss the way we are when we're together, I thought that was able to handle the distance. I mean I've been in long distance relationships before and those were much farther away than the distance between us but with those two my feelings were nowhere near the level that my feelings for the boo are. I don't know I want to share my feelings with him but I don't want him to think I'm some insecure headcase who can't handle the military lifestyle. Noone said that distance was easy,I know that it isn't I guess this week has just been the week for me to really act a donkey about it. So after a gentle nudge I decided to shoot him a message on YIM describing how I feel and I'm hoping that he understands how I feel and where I'm coming from. He's the first guy that I've ever felt safe with opening up to and if he's not receptive to it I don't know how I will be with him after this concerning opening up. For some reason it's difficult for me to vulnerable with men. It's really hard for me to show that I don't have it all together all the time. I guess it's just one of those quirks about me, but with him that doesn't matter. Ok I've got this message all typed up and now I'm sitting here looking at it out of the corner of my eye while I'm typing this debating about whether to click send. Now I'm acting like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail" (one of my favorite movies) ok woo-sah, woo-sah ....ok I did it! Let's see what's happens.

Well one things for sure, I'm feeling better about it already. I just hope he doesn't have a negative reaction to it. Well after waiting a whole 3 minutes he's replied and I'm scared to read it! When did I turn back into a 15 year old?!?!? I'm a grown woman I can just click on this thing and read it! Why am I trippin'?!?! Oh well, ok let's see what he says. Well, well I think I just fell in love all over again. He understands! Now I can rest easy...until the next time. Peace and Blessings.

It's Morning....

7 am and what am I doing? Wide awake staring at my phone debating if I want to send the boo a good morning text. I'm such a dork sometimes. I mean the house is so peaceful and quiet right now, I'm really loving this. Nothing like the usual excitement that I wake up to thanks to the girl. I can get with this. Maybe I will make this my routine to get up and relax in bed with a book or blog a little. I am determined to use this versus people to be my journal,considering the latter can be very fickle sometimes.What do I have to do today? Absolutely NOTHING! No plans whatsoever. Well no, cancel that I am going to apply for that job at Cherry Point. It's right up my alley something in administration with room to grow I don't want to be overzealous and take on the executive assistant job that I really want to go after right now because I want to be able to focus on the girl as always but also because I want to focus on making this move and our adjustment to this move a good one and with that job there is no way that can happen when you're basically a hip attachment to a super busy CEO. So I will be happy with admin for now. It seems as if I'm falling into a stereotype or something the man of the house has the manly bread winning job (USMC) and I'll have the girlie job that's there to keep me busy and give me some F.U.N. money and maybe help out with a couple bills. For the first time I'm actually cool about this. Ican't believe that I'm allowing myself to trust a man enough to provide for me and the girl! This my friends is a huge step for me and I'm so excited to be taking this step with the boo. He's a really really good man. The kind of man that I deserve after all the bullcrap I've been through. It's so funny because now that I have him it's like so hard to keep my mind from thinking up crazy thoughts about him, it's almost like I don't know how to function in a healthy relationship. We've haven't had a huge blowout argument yet so that's good, I haven't busted him cheating, he actually loves the girl, I mean things are good. Now that we're moving in together I think this will help soothe my fears about him waking up one morning and deciding he doesn't want to be with me. ( Trust me from 1sthand experience that blows) Right now it seems as if I'm the fight of my life relationship wise because I have what I want in the boo and I'm happy but I can't seem to get myself to stop preparing for the worst or opening up completely. It's like the minute I do some crazy thought enters my mind and then it's a wrap! Everyday it's a daily battle for me. I have nothing but trust and faith in this man and I love him like I've loved no other and as far as i'm concerned he's it for me. There will be noone else after him. I've figured out a great way to fight this war against my own insecurity, I just constantly remind myself that he loves me and he loves the girl. He sent me the sweetest text the other day, "Babe all you have to do is say the word and it's a wrap, nothin comes before you in my life. U matter more to me than anything babe.." So needless to say, I saved that and I love to go back and read that whenever my mind wants to screw with me. I'm telling you, Grandma wasn't lying when she would say idle minds are the devils playground. Now that my only focus during the day are the girl and my NPO it's easy to get distracted. So between that and JuJu I'm good.Ok let me get off my back and go to the desk maybe that will help me get the energy up to apply for some jobs. The quicker I find a job the quicket I can get to work on the move or just move. Great!

Today was another interesting day of nothing. It seems like I'm struggling to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. Not having aj job and being on a Ramen budget is crazy. I'm really excited about this move to NC with the boo. There's just so much it seems that I need to think about. When I talk to him about it's just too easy-in his mind. If I want to work fine, I can come down there whenever I find a job. If I don't want to work then we'll wait it out until November, giving him time to save up and get prepared for us to get there. He makes it sound so easy but then whenI sit and think about it I get overwhelmed and it's all I really think about now especially now that he has confirmed for me that this is what he really wants and he's not just blowing smoke.
The girl had a good day today she was all over the place as usual. I really need to sit down and figure out a way to get her on a more solid schedule that includes an early bedtime and dig into this potty training. She's got the #1 part down, #2? Not so good. It seems like there is so much work to be done inside the home that I may just put the job search on hold for a while , but i really could continue to actively look for one since the jobs here are few and far between I seriously doubt something will come through in the next few months anyway. My cousin told me after she graduated last May it took her almost 11 months to get a job and the ironic thing is now that she has it she wants to quit! Go figure. I just want a job that pays enough for me to provide for me and the girl as well as allow me to save for a rainy day and not live paycheck to paycheck. Is that too much to ask?