Clearing My Head

* Kinda forgot to hit publish after doing this one..hey! it was 3am, I was sleepy. *

What better place to empty my thoughts than a blank page? I hope this works.

I just got off the phone with the boo and I'm not feeling so good at all. I've got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. It's a wrenching pain and I know earlier my Chinese had me feeling a little woosie but that's not it right now. It's that I just made an ass of myself feeling. I got an immediate attitude with the boo because I miss him and he probably doesn't even know that. I was trying to open up to him and it seemed like he was caught up in the movie he was watching! Of course this is coming from a woman who has a bitch fit earlier in the week because he "wasn't there for me" but I didn't call ...so much for thinking he's a mind reader. LOL It's funny now that it's over but I was really trippin' ...BAD.

I'm just so scared and feeling insecure when I really have no reason whatsoever to be or maybe it's my intuition trying to tell me something, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me because I'm not used to a man being a man , a good man at that and having him in my life. It seems like we don't text and talk as much as we used to. Like tonight I wanted to smother myself with my pillows because we weren't talking on the phone just breathing...when there are really a million things we could be discussing especially with the move coming up. After talking to a wonderful sounding board (<3 Sacred) it was brought to my attention that I'm not being insecure I'm just missing him and that sometimes in long distance relationships you can get burnt out on being apart. That is when it hit me, she's right. I truly just miss the way we are when we're together, I thought that was able to handle the distance. I mean I've been in long distance relationships before and those were much farther away than the distance between us but with those two my feelings were nowhere near the level that my feelings for the boo are. I don't know I want to share my feelings with him but I don't want him to think I'm some insecure headcase who can't handle the military lifestyle. Noone said that distance was easy,I know that it isn't I guess this week has just been the week for me to really act a donkey about it. So after a gentle nudge I decided to shoot him a message on YIM describing how I feel and I'm hoping that he understands how I feel and where I'm coming from. He's the first guy that I've ever felt safe with opening up to and if he's not receptive to it I don't know how I will be with him after this concerning opening up. For some reason it's difficult for me to vulnerable with men. It's really hard for me to show that I don't have it all together all the time. I guess it's just one of those quirks about me, but with him that doesn't matter. Ok I've got this message all typed up and now I'm sitting here looking at it out of the corner of my eye while I'm typing this debating about whether to click send. Now I'm acting like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail" (one of my favorite movies) ok woo-sah, woo-sah ....ok I did it! Let's see what's happens.

Well one things for sure, I'm feeling better about it already. I just hope he doesn't have a negative reaction to it. Well after waiting a whole 3 minutes he's replied and I'm scared to read it! When did I turn back into a 15 year old?!?!? I'm a grown woman I can just click on this thing and read it! Why am I trippin'?!?! Oh well, ok let's see what he says. Well, well I think I just fell in love all over again. He understands! Now I can rest easy...until the next time. Peace and Blessings.